Editor? I Don’t Need No Editor

By Jack Kean

Anyone who has ever written for publication knows deep down that editors provide an essential service. Sure, they can suggest fourteen rewrites of a throw-away sentence, but mostly, they keep writers from making complete fools of themselves. But, editors are like most of us, and they sometimes overlook a little mistake here and there. In an effort to demonstrate the importance of good editing, let me provide a few examples of times when the editor was, shall we say, less than professional. The following all appeared in print sometime, somewhere, although I may have changed a name or two.

Editor as fact checker: “Correction: Diane Smith was recently reported to have paid a fine for prostitution. The story should have said that she paid a fine for failure to stop at a railroad crossing.” Now, this kind of mistake makes lawyers rich and your neighbors wonder. Editor as headline writer: “One Armed Man Applauds Kindness of Strangers.” People often fail to realize that columnists seldom write the headline for their piece. When you see one like this, please don’t blame the hapless columnist.

Editor as statistician: “Statistics Show Teenage Pregnancy Drops Off After the Age of 25.” Well, yeah.

Editor in need of filler: Reader question: “What constitutes a millionaire?” Answer: “A millionaire is someone who has one million dollars.” Somewhere in the world, an editor thought this information deserved to be in print.

Editor without biology degree: “Fish Need Water Feds Say.” The federal government is getting into every aspect of our lives, but is this really new information?

Editor without imagination: “Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum.” Was this worthy of a headline? Were they expecting to find old computers?

Editor stating the obvious: “Utah Poison Control Warns Everyone Not To Take Poison.” Wow, thanks for the tip.

Classified editor who doesn’t read: “For Sale: Mattress, like new, 20-year warranty, slight urine smell.” Honest to goodness, nothing that has a slight urine smell is like new.

Classified editor, see above: “Nissan Maxima, loaded, good condition. Not for sale.” And someone paid for this?

Editors with a sense of humor: “Police responded to a report of two loose dogs attacking a duck. The duck refused medical attention and left the area according to police reports.” “A large snapping turtle was reported on Elm Street. The turtle fled the area undetected.” I so wanted to see that fleeing turtle on You Tube.

Editor in a really, really small town: “Debbie Johnson said she likes to shop at the Dollar Palace because she doesn’t have to get dressed up like she does when shopping at Wal-Mart.” I’ve seen how people dress at Wal- Mart and can only imagine shoppers in their underwear at the Dollar Palace.

Editor who gives up: “50% off or half price. Whichever is less.” Gee, wonder which is less on this bag of socks?

Editor who understands government: “County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds.” You can’t make this stuff up.

Classified editor who needed $5: “Tombstone, Standard Grey. Good buy for someone named Grady.” I’m guessing the good news is somebody named Grady did not expire as expected.

Editor in need of an editor: “China cabinet. Hutch and buffet. Few cat scratches, but cat has been killed.” More information than needed.

The reason you seldom see an error in my column could have something to do with the editor; then again, maybe I’m just that good. 

Jack Kean is the author of three novels: Being From The South Doesn't Make Me Stupid, Deadly Sacrifice, and What If The Winner Dies? Prior to retirement, he was employed in law enforcement on the federal level. He is a graduate of the University of Mississippi School of Law in Oxford. Jack is a native Mississippian, but he currently lives in Alabama, having moved there from Woodstock, Ga.

You may contact Jack and read more of his writing at http://www.keanwriter.com.