You Know You're Getting Old When...

By Jack Kean

A few months ago, I wrote a column about the "real" signs of aging and mentioned things like walking to the back of the house and forgetting why and actually knowing the Weather Channel number on my satellite system. Of course, I had forgotten about writing that column when bragging to the editor about this great new column on the "surprising" signs of aging. So it is now my embarrassing task to expand upon the previous, though forgotten, column about aging. (Let's all admit that if the previous column appeared again this month, only the editor would know for sure.)

Some things never change; while I now live in a new city and state, getting a driver's license still requires hours in a waiting room with the same prison décor as the other 49 states. Do you think there's one nationwide decorating firm whose sole function is to bring that special institutional look to all government offices used by the general public?

My current home state was carefully selected from ones not requiring new residents to take a written driver's license test. Taking tests is a task best suited for those who believe midnight is way too early to come home on Saturday night, not folks like me who go to bed early Saturday night to be on time for the Sunday morning eleven o'clock church service.

So I am sitting in front of the driver's license lady giving her all of my personal data. There was the usual request for race, sex, weight, height, eye color, etc. When she came to hair color, she just looked at me, laughed and said "gray" without even giving me a chance to lie.

Let's return to getting old. (These have all happened to me, I promise.) You know you are getting old when your neighbor calls at eight thirty in the evening and begins the conversation with, "I didn't wake you up did I?" and he did. You know you are getting old when you turn down sex because you'd have to shower first. You know you are getting old when you wake up after the television show ends and ask your spouse what happened, and your spouse is still asleep. You know you are getting old when your nap schedule and that of your four-year-old grandchild are the same.

On the Internet (yeah, we old codgers use that modern technology), you can find thousands of "you know you're getting old" jokes. What you don't find is a lot less funny, but much more truthful, and that is simply how great this part of our lives is.

You'll never see these on the Internet. You know you're getting old when you wake up at 8:00 in the morning and again at 8:30 and again at 9:00. (Note the difference between "wake up" and "get up"). You know you're getting old when the biggest decision of the day is where to eat lunch. You know you're getting old when you pay someone to mow the grass and wash your car while you watch.

You know you're getting old when September is your favorite travel month. You know you're getting old when at least once a day you wonder how people find time to work. You know you're getting old when you have more CDs in the safe deposit box than in your car.

Speaking of CDs and getting old, Jeff Foxworthy said he realized his age when someone broke into his truck containing 30 or more CDs, and they only stole three. Maybe his collection wasn't the very latest music available.

During my aforementioned wait for a driver's license, I met a man who had served in the Korean War, and as you correctly surmise, he was no spring chicken. He was holding a motorcycle helmet, so naturally I inquired. It seems that he had just traded his Gold Wing (really big motorcycle) for another motorbike. Getting old ain't what it used to be, thank goodness.