WHAT? ME, A REDNECK?

By Jack Kean

Every few years, I get to wondering why making fun of Southerners is such an enduring and successful endeavor. Jeff Foxworthy continues to make a fortune doing it, and he’s more popular in the South than anywhere. Some may say it is because we do such funny things. I’m not really sure that is true, and I choose to believe it is mainly because we don’t take ourselves too seriously.

The sad truth is I received another in a long, long list of redneck jokes the other day and couldn’t help but note how many of them applied to me. For example: You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. Boy, that one sure hit home with me. I once spray painted the logo of my alma mater on flyswatters and then wrote a story about how the flyswatter was invented by an undergraduate of that university while he was milking a cow. The story was reproduced in pamphlet form and attached to the flyswatters, which I handed out.

You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side. Here’s the truth about that one. This is not a Southern thing as much as it is a man thing. Most men care a lot more about what they eat than what they eat it on. If I wasn’t married, Cool Whip salad bowls would be the standard on my table.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. Back in the day, I’ve had as many as three TVs sitting on top of or next to each other—each one resting on the scrapboard- and- concrete block entertainment center that I was darn proud of having. In those days, it was possible to have a TV fixed, and it was barely possible that I would someday have the money to have one of those sets put in working order. Not likely, mind you, but possible.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. Well in the first place, most Southerners own or at least have an uncle or cousin or neighbor who owns a pickup truck. But in all honesty, there have been times in my life when it was easier to throw a few bales of hay in the car. The answer is six.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. This is just wrong on so many levels. If the boat floats, it would be in the pond so it is actually possible to go fishing on your lunch break. If the boat doesn’t float, it would have been sold on eBay or borrowed and never returned by a cousin with four kids, six dogs and no job.

And another thing— while there may indeed be a gravel road or at least a couple of worn ruts leading up to the house or the mobile home, calling it a “driveway” is just way overstating the case.

You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table. With an appropriate covering, I see nothing wrong with actually using the ironing board for something since it surely never gets used for ironing. Unless it is outside for a backyard pig roast, do not cover with a tarp or anything plastic, and never use old clothes, even if they are clean. Beach towels or an old bedspread will suffice, assuming the dogs hhaven’t slept on either one.

Can you imagine Larry The Cable Guy with a Boston accent? Me neither. Let’s just laugh, enjoy life, and be glad we live in the South. 

Jack Kean is the author of three novels: Being From The South Doesn't Make Me Stupid, Deadly Sacrifice, and What If The Winner Dies? Prior to retirement, he was employed in law enforcement on the federal level. He is a graduate of the University of Mississippi School of Law in Oxford. Jack is a native Mississippian, but he currently lives in Alabama, having moved there from Woodstock, Ga.