No Coupons In The Collection Plate

By Jack Kean

It might cross your mind that going to church (or other religious observance) ought to be done on such a regular basis that there would be no need to write about it. If such a thought did cross your mind you would be correct, but unfortunately until recently, my lack of frequent attendance meant that a trip to church was an experience fairly begging to be recorded.

It was during one of those infrequent visits to church that I learned valuable lessons about church etiquette. In my never-ending effort to inform and entertain, I wish to pass this information on to those of you who visit a place of worship less often than you visit the dentist.

This particular visit to church was on Christmas Eve. I was very much one of those Christmas and Easter Christians who show up on the "important" days, possibly in the hope that God will show up on the "important" days in our lives. The church I attended on these rare occasions was dictated by my wife, who also supplied the impetus to go in the first place. That means we didn't attend any of the 212 churches within five miles of our house. For reasons I have long since ceased to question, she had determined that the close churches did not meet her requirements.

Anyway, we drove to the church on Christmas Eve. As I mentioned, it was quite a distance, and I didn't know how long it would take to get there, so we arrived about an hour before services were to begin. While sitting in a dark and empty parking lot, I suggested that if we went in early maybe we could get credit for two visits. Surprisingly, my wife didn't think it a good idea.

After spending some time in the aforementioned parking lot, I advised her that it would be necessary for me to use the facilities once inside. She said that would be okay, but under no circumstances could I ask where the restrooms are located. Now I'm not absolutely certain this is a church rule, but her tone of voice made it clear that searching for the john would be the better alternative.

At last, another car arrived, and I started to get out. But wait, we couldn't go inside just yet. We had to wait until some undetermined number of cars made an appearance before entering. While waiting for that number of cars, my wife handed me money for the collection plate, which I stuffed in my shirt pocket.

Finally, we got to enter the quickly-filling church. It was my good fortune to find a john without asking. As is often the case, sometime after the services began, they passed the collection plate. It was at this point I learned another valuable lesson in church etiquette. Remember the money my wife had given me? When the collection plate came to me, I reached inside my shirt pocket, casually pulled out the money without even looking and dropped it in the plate. As I was passing the collection plate along, I noticed a "Free Dinner" coupon staring back at me.

It was one of those moments requiring a quick decision. Should I leave the "Free Dinner" coupon in the plate and hope no one would know it came from me? Should I try and retrieve it, knowing some would think I made change from the collection plate?

My church etiquette lesson isn't that you don't put coupons in the collection plate; even I know that. My church etiquette lesson is to look before dropping anything into the collection plate, thereby avoiding the embarrassment of having a "Free Dinner" coupon staring back at you.

God surely has a sense of humor.

Jack Kean is the author of three novels: Being From The South Doesn't Make Me Stupid, Deadly Sacrifice, and What If The Winner Dies? Prior to retirement, he was employed in law enforcement on the federal level. He is a graduate of the University of Mississippi School of Law in Oxford. Jack is a native Mississippian, but he currently lives in Alabama, having moved there from Woodstock, Ga.