My Dog Drinks Fiji Water And I Don’t

By Jack Kean

Both PETA and the SPCA would be proud of me, ‘though obtaining their approval has never been high on my list of goals. It all started the other day when my wife came home with a six- pack of Fiji water. I don’t know why water from the myriad of sources in the United States is not adequate, but after many years of marriage, I have learned the Golden Rule for husbands: “Don’t ask.”

For your information, Fiji is an island nation in the South Pacific Ocean east of Vanuatu, west of Tonga and south of Tuvalu. I know that nailed it for me, but in case you are less geographically knowledgeable, let me add that Fiji is about 4,776 miles from Los Angeles and a couple thousand more to Georgia.

I was getting a glass of water from the door of our refrigerator through a filter that has needed changing for six months when my wife said the dog wanted water. After washing his bowl, she filled it with the aforementioned Fiji water. Let’s go back to the refrigerator water for a minute. I used to buy those $50 filters until I figured out that when the light turns red (meaning get a new filter), if you push the button a couple of times, it turns green again. Don’t tell my wife.

In 2006, 119 million liters of water were imported to the U.S. from Fiji. It is a hit with the fashionable LA set, and I don’t mean Lower Alabama. Upscale restaurateurs serve the beverage to their wealthy clients, little realizing that it also seems to be a favorite of my English bulldog, Stonewall.

Generally speaking, dogs are not known to be particularly discriminating when it comes to the water they drink. They are even known to drink from the toilet bowl. Therefore, it is my considered opinion that importing water over five thousand miles for the dog is a bit of a stretch.

But maybe the more important question is, who came up with the idea of bottling water in Fiji for export to the United States? Did a couple of native Fiji Islanders sitting on a white sand beach looking at the amazing blue-green ocean decide that bottling Fiji water was a sure ticket to riches?

They must have believed one or more of the following: a) the United States needs a new source of bottled water; b) people in the United States will buy anything; c) e n v i r o nme n t a l i s t s ’ complaints will be ignored by statusseeking bottled water aficionados; or d) people in the United States will buy anything. Oops, I said that already.

It reminds me of the time I ran out of shampoo, and someone suggested using the dog’s shampoo. I realized then that I couldn’t afford to use the dog’s shampoo. I pay about a dollar for a bottle of my shampoo and fifteen dollars for the dog’s special medicated shampoo.

Living a dog’s life, at least in my house, is not so bad. He eats expensive food, sleeps on his bed next to ours, is walked and played with, gets excellent medical care, has someone to brush his teeth, clean his ears, clip his nails, and give him a bath every week. He poops in the yard, and I clean it up. Not to mention that he sometimes drinks Fiji water, and I never do. 

Jack Kean is the author of three novels: Being From The South Doesn't Make Me Stupid, Deadly Sacrifice, and What If The Winner Dies? Prior to retirement, he was employed in law enforcement on the federal level. He is a graduate of the University of Mississippi School of Law in Oxford. Jack is a native Mississippian, but he currently lives in Alabama, having moved there from Woodstock, Ga.