It’s Time To Talk The E Word

By Jack Kean

Football season is finally over. Holiday pounds, however, linger along with leftover fruitcake and a Santa Claus tie that plays Jingle Bells. The weather is cold and days remain short. The TV set and recliner beckon to yet another day of mindnumbing entertainment. However, in the do-right area of your brain, there is a gnawing feeling you should be getting in shape or maybe just looking a little less like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Watching what you eat has kept you from being on The Biggest Loser TV show and being pointed at by small children in the mall, but your shape is changing and not for the better. There is unfortunately only one possible remedy—the dreaded “E” word.

There are several clues that it is time to exercise:
• if getting out of your recliner requires more groans than sex;
• if you ever watched Dr. Phil because it was easier than getting up for the remote control;
• if you routinely ask others to bring food and drink to your recliner;
• if you’ve ever slept all night in the recliner because you were too tired to go to bed.Well, you get the idea.

While sitting in the recliner and watching TV, you have no doubt seen beautiful people with a variety of home exercise equipment for sale. “Just 20 minutes, three times a week.” That’s the ad pitch designed to get you to make three easy payments of $69.95 so you can look like those beautiful people. But wait! Order today, and they will include a booklet telling you how to use the equipment. Is it a great deal?

The best things to know about home exercise equipment include: they don’t take up much room; they often store under the bed they don’t take long to dust you can easily pile things on them soon they will come to be as much a part of your home as that old chest believed to have been owned by a great-great uncle who sold brushes door to door.

The worst things to know about home exercise equipment include: though taking up little room, they won’t be used; once stored under the bed, they will remain there forever; after being covered by a pile of clothes and magazines, they will never be seen again and will not require dusting, like that chest of your great-great uncle. They will fade into the background.

But that leaves you in the recliner and not exercising, so what to do? Well, you could join a fitness center, but joining a fitness center will in no way help you lose weight or get in better shape. The sad truth is that you have to actually go to the fitness center and do a real workout, and you have to do it on a regular basis. Oh, darn.

If you are ready to get in better shape, may I humbly suggest learning from my wasted efforts? Don’t spend a bunch of money only to find out that you won’t be using the equipment or going to the fitness center. Just get yourself a very comfortable pair of shoes and walk.

Buy a pedometer and keep up with the number of steps you take each day. Add steps every day. Meet your neighbors or window shop in the mall. When your walking shoes need a retread, it may be time to join a fitness center.

It should (but doesn’t) go without saying that you should check with your physician before embarking on an exercise program. Good luck and good walking. 

Jack Kean is the author of three novels: Being From The South Doesn't Make Me Stupid, Deadly Sacrifice, and What If The Winner Dies? Prior to retirement, he was employed in law enforcement on the federal level. He is a graduate of the University of Mississippi School of Law in Oxford. Jack is a native Mississippian, but he currently lives in Alabama, having moved there from Woodstock, Ga.