Did You Get One of These Gifts?

By Jack Kean

It’s a new year, and the holidays are officially over. Those who have jobs are back at work, and the rest of us are evaluating our Christmas (holiday) gifts. In my untiring effort to keep you informed of the latest in gift giving, here are some items you might not have been lucky enough to receive.

A select few of us can run to the kitchen and get our very own Tic Tac Toast. That’s right, just push your Tic Tac Toast onto a slice of bread before putting it in the toaster, and when it pops up, you are ready to play an exciting game of Tic Tac Toast. I’m thinking butter versus jelly, but that’s up to you. Maybe you were fortunate enough to receive a Flyswatter Clock. Now, your flyswatter is also a clock, and to make it even better, the second hand is a fly. This will surely be the decorating hit of the neighborhood. For those who spend too much time in the bathroom, there is Crime Scene toilet paper. You’ve all seen crime scene tape on TV. Well, now you can have it in your own bathroom, and best of all, it is completely usable, though we trust no crimes are committed in your bathroom. A lot of retirees play golf, and I can only wish you found a Big Daddy Driver under your Christmas tree. It looks like a big driver, but cleverly hidden underneath is a small weed whacker. So there you are in the rough with no chance of hitting the ball out of the weeds; well, now there’s hope. Just take the Big Daddy over, and clear yourself a path.

I’m betting we’ve all needed an air freshener at one time or another, but most of them smell like cheap perfume with flowery names that are just not manly. Count yourself a fortunate man if you received a Bacon Air Freshener. Make bad smells breakfast smells.

Of course, there should still be a football game or two to watch, and some lucky folks will be serving snacks and chips in their Inflate- A-Bowls. No need to worry about a clumsy friend dropping a fine china dish. It’s almost impossible to break the Inflate-A-Bowl. Everyone but your wife will be thrilled to grab a handful of popcorn from one of your Inflate-A-Bowls.

In case you like to talk about all the hunting you once did, I found the perfect gift and hope you got one. It is the Inflatable Moose Head. Just blow it up and hang on the wall. No need for expensive travel to Canada or Alaska to spend days in the woods just so you can put a moose head on the wall. It will no doubt add to your already stellar reputation as a hunter and man’s man.

Finally, there will only be a few of you lucky enough to have received an Extend-AFork. Yes indeed, it looks like an ordinary fork, but handily extends up to 25 inches. No more embarrassment when sharing a restaurant meal. Feel free to grab a bite from anyone in your party, or someone else’s party for that matter.

You may be thinking I made up these fine gift items, but not so. These and other equally impressive gifts are available at http://www.stupid.com. It just shows the extent to which I go in doing research for this column.

If you didn’t get one of these great gifts, give this column to your spouse, but don’t hold your breath.

Jack Kean is the author of three novels: Being From The South Doesn't Make Me Stupid, Deadly Sacrifice, and What If The Winner Dies? Prior to retirement, he was employed in law enforcement on the federal level. He is a graduate of the University of Mississippi School of Law in Oxford. Jack is a native Mississippian, but he currently lives in Alabama, having moved there from Woodstock, Ga.