Joe Dabney at Large
Some of My Pet Peeves   

By Joe Dabney 

Some months ago, I listed some of my favorite things. This time, let's go to the other side of the coin and review some Pet Peeves that I've experienced in this modern day world. Such as:

Joggers who insist on running in the street instead of on the sidewalk.

Supermarket Speeders ­ those "drivers" who come galloping out of the side aisles with their loaded buggies and dash into the main aisles without even looking out for folks who might be walking by. I find this rather annoying when I'm trying to get in some walking exercise at Wal-Mart. One of these days there's going to be a painful crash and I hope it doesn't involve me.

Hard Potty Seats. I just got a soft one last month on my birthday. What a relief!

Doctor's Waiting Rooms that have been stripped of anything to read except for medical propaganda.

People who insist on putting toilet tissue and paper towel rolls that go UNDER instead of OVER (my preferred way). My friend Herman Moore says the paper should go under, since its a law of physics that comes into play here.

Computers that develop Alzheimer's disease and lose their memory. It's usually just when I have written a brilliant passage that unfortunately ends up in God's digital neverland.

Hand Shakers who seek to prove their manhood by near 'bout squeezing the blood out of your right hand. That often includes someone I'm meeting for the first time. Sometimes I can spot him in advance and I use my "Dole Handshake" (the left hand). Be gentle, people.

People Who Wear Dirty Socks. What was it that Lester Maddox said about that? "My opponent is the type of guy who wears dirty socks!"

Interstate Tailgaters. I guess they think they're racing on the Atlanta Speedway and are trying to benefit from the draft. Slow down, fellows.

Washington War Mongers who seem bent on driving our nation into monstrous bankruptcy.

So-Called Christians who walk around with a hangdog look as if they're full of the Devil. Smile, fellows!

Bank Architects who design drive-in slots so that the money stands scrub my left outside rear view mirror. These are the same architects who design drive-up aisles with massive concrete barriers on either side that target your hub caps. My car deserves a Purple Heart.

The Disappearance of Corporate Receptionists. Why can't you get a live person on the line anymore? When I worked at Lockheed, we always had a receptionist in the department who answered the phone. Now when you call the PR department, nine times out of ten, you get something like: "Sorry I'm not available to take your call. Please leave a message." What that means is that the person you're trying to reach may be with a customer or he may be taking a two hour lunch. Which means he's not reachable by the general public, unless you are lucky enough to have his cell phone number, and assuming he has his cell phone on.

Identity Thieves. They're getting bold. Someone got our Sam's Club card number and went on a spending spree. The worst part is trying to get the whole mess straightened out months later with the GE Money Bank in El Paso.

People who mispronounce and miswrite the word memento. They insist on calling and writing it MOmento. Check the dictionary, people!

People With Bad Breath. They love to get in your face.

Folks Who Misuse Apostrophes. For instance, they will use IT'S when it's not possessive. The apostrophe in this case should only be used in the condensing of the expression it is.

The Insincerity of Cashiers who say, "Have a nice day," and then look somewhere else, but not into your eyes.

Outsourcing of Customer Care 800 Numbers. If you call in on a credit card account, you may end up speaking with someone in India, whom you can't understand, or the Philippines, Canada, or, if you're lucky, someone in Boise, Idaho. Hey, take notice you multi-million-dollar CEO wonders, and bring those jobs back to America.

Email me some of your favorite things and some of your pet peeves and I'll use them in future columns.

Joe Dabney is a writer and speaker whose most recent book,
Smokehouse Ham, Spoon Bread & Scuppernong Wine, won the prestigious James Beard Cookbook of the Year medal. He can be reached at joedabney@aol.com.